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Dad never judged a man by the color of his skin, his neck or his bank account. So and So or Ms. So and So. He said to do otherwise was a sign of disrespect. In essence, my Dad taught me to respect others. Much of his teaching was not in words but in how he lived his life before a son who was always watching his every move. Either my Dad or Mom would read Bible stories to me at night. Dad did teach me to respect the Word of God. As an adult when I began going deeper in the Word I discovered powerful verses like Proverbs in the Contemporary English Version which says:.
Your reward will be wealth, a long life, and honor. Second, be a person of character instead of acting like one. John Wooden, the great basketball coach, said:. Psalm in The Living Bible says:. You are their strength. What glory! Our power is based on your favor!
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A person with a good reputation. My Father taught me that a person should walk in integrity and that our word should be our bond. By this we may know that we are in him. Third, he taught me a work ethic. During my lifetime, my parents were share croppers, owned a service station, grocery store, grill, Western Auto store and finally, a restaurant. My Father has never been afraid of work. In fact, he considered working a joy. He also considered it a blessing to have his own business.
Proverbs in the New Living Translation says:. He would change tires and the oil in cars. My Dad appreciated the opportunities he had even though as the oldest child, he had to drop out of school in the 5 th grade to work on the farm. Colossians in the Amplified Bible, Classic Edition says:. Fourth, he taught me to be a servant. The story is told of a father of five children who came home with a toy. He summoned his children and asked which of them should be given the present. Who never talks back to Mom and does everything that Mom says to do?
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I am a daughter of a pastor father. First of all my brother and I lived with my grandparents until I was 13, when my grandmother passed away. We would live with my grandparents Mon. So when we went to live with my parents, I had no idea what was really going on in church because I actually was going to church for Jesus all those years. What I found out was hurtful and devastating to me. I would constantly ask my dad if it was true and he would say no.
Finally when I was 30, me and my brother confronted my parents and refused to leave the room until all questions was answered. The scary thing is when my father admitted it, my mother was still in denial. We are still struggling to put our family together and they are still pastors. I am glad to report me and my brother are still with Jesus and we both have wonderful loving marriages and we have worked in the church while maintaining a marriage and children. I am a P who understand what some people say when they mention things others actually say to, or about, your children that would make them after a while turn away from the church and find it so hard to return.
A child not being accustomed to being shout at at home when it happen to them in a different setting they would never want to return. So I agree with number three after a decade it still seem as yesterday; but some people think I am older or I am authority so …. And another as number seven the church is viewed as hypocritical not from my point of view although that particular one think I talk about the church too much so it is her enemy.
Bur they are all grown up now all the same I thank you for your words of advice I would say because it helped me a lot and I hope the many comments woul help others to realize that pPastors and their children need pray instead of criticism. I would continue to pray for Pastors and their children because this is a tough place to be in front. Vacations interrupted? I wish! I got to miss school and there are probably some other perks that I took for granted. Not sure the trade off was worth it because all I saw was the inside of churches.
Regardless, my parents did the best they could and I love the Lord and do ministry today for a reason — despite the pain. My parents prayed for me and with me regularly and that obviously had a lasting impact. We can all learn and grow from our experiences. After my dad passed away, I heard from so many people the impact he had on them, and that also let me see, as an adult, that it was all worth it. All kinds of debauchery and corruption was going on, my dad music director got treated like shit, so we bounced from church to church in the area and finally stuck somewhere.
That was my second home church until I graduated high school and quickly vacated my home state for schooling but really to just get away from home. Another way of life. I have a concise, clean, clear-cut no questions asked resentment for my father and his dedication to ministry. I could aimlessly ramble off so many more things that come to mind and delve much further into detail — but just as Mr.
Rainer stated, re-opening those wounds are something that I have an extremely difficult time with. Extremely difficult. I just ran across this today its great BTW! Now take into account I am 33 and I moved away from my home state over ten years ago. The post almost brought me to tears and to top it off it was from one of dads best friends and someone that helped raise me.
I was just looking through online posts about the effects of being a PK long term because you never stop being a PK and I think people forget that. I have found one the hardest parts for me to this day is feeling the same hurt as my dad. Watching congregants, many times my dads friends, bash the church, a specific sermon, or leave and seeing the pain in his eyes, he was always supportive and prayed with them or tried to talk it out in love.
Even though it hurt he never showed it to the church. Worrying if there would be enough after our church tithed out to ministries and missions always the first priority , paid the building and maintenance expenses, and paid the staff… my dad always took his salary last. Now I admit I was a worrier and one of the ways satan tests me to this day but from the moment I was able to understand the concept of my dads salary it was always scary. Our church never dwelled on tithing, the tithe was prayed for and that was about it.
Sometimes I wanted to say hello I eat based on what you give!!! Now I know God will always provide for my family and that was a big lesson to learn but it was a scary one to learn as PK of a small church body. My folks were able to shield me but I bet social media opens PKs up to a lot more than they should have to see.
The preacher is often times looked at similar to a sports coach. When things are a little rough, every part of the preachers life is criticized, including us kids. I cannot, even as an adult, count on one hand those genuine relationships that I believe crossed the threshold.
I know exactly how you feel — literally…exactly. That is a hard place to be in. You have to learn to trust speaking to myself too. You have to learn to open yourself up to people AND accept the fact that they want to be a part of your life because of you and not because of your parents or your being a PK. IF you believe it is hard for someone to like you for you, than it makes this mental battle even more difficult. Let me leave you with this: God made you uniquely you.
And did that for a reason. Other people see that and want to be a part of your life. Love people as genuinely as you know how and trust the Lord to bring the right people into your life who could give a rip what your parents do vocationally, but simply care about you :. There is both bad and good in being a PK. You also have a feather that you knows loves God and does his best to show you Christ through him. Everyone in the church knows you and watches you. They, generally the seniors, will Facebook stalk all of your photos and if they think one of them should not be on the internet your dad will hear about it and ultimately you will have to take it down.
You have to be perfect, you are the pastors daughter, and therefore should have been raised right. The hardest thing for me in my life right now is the constant pressure to be at church every Sunday. There can be no sleep in because people expect the pastors kid to be there and your father feels the pressure of the people in the church and his reputation. I get why some PKs leave the church because of seeing church goers and hypercritical and judgmental. I have only come across this blog today. I will tell you, all seven points are real to me, to the point where the Work has been a wedge dividing the family asunder.
A personal sentiment is that family should come first. You only live once. So does your family. Make it count. If you do go into the ministry with them, then set the tone inside the church. Teach the congregation to mind their own business. We are humans just as much, subject to much flaws and failures. I am bitter to the bone. And I resent it. However, I still cannot let it go.
I am still am here, inside the walls of the great white hall, dressed as a sheep, but with the heart of a wolf. Every single time I let my guard down, the congregation comes to bite me in the ass when all I wanted to be was one of them. Them that had regular lives. Them who my father had more time for. Them who were not judged for their mistakes and were loved nonetheless. Nice post. I have read several of your thoughts, and appreciate and can relate to many of you.
What has really helped you in processing this and recovering? I have felt stuck in perfectionism, and wanting to still always be seen as good…. I am seriously questioning my salvation for the 4th time. A little background. My dad was a pastor of at least 4 different churches. My dad is a very reserved man, but gets really intense when he preaches.
My brother was diagnosed schizophrenic. My mother was severly depressed, and accused my dad of having an affair. Which I know is not true, but it was unfortunately the fabricated story she believed. She would ask if we were going to see the other family many times when we would go see friends.
We did not really sit down and discuss how we were doing as a family…. It was just keep on this happy face, and die on the inside. As a senior in HS, I got to a breaking point. I was severly depressed. It has felt so much like acting over the years… I just cry out to God that he will genuinely save and regenerate my heart, and so many others.
We could all use lots of prayer…I was encouraged to hear that a pastor friend of the family who we knew from years ago has prayed faithfully for each one of us kids. Thanks to you all for sharing. Maybe a compiled book of stories as well as ideas about a road to recovery for a PK would be helpful to many.
Pastoring is the only job or career I can think of i which your 3 year old child can be blamed for the loss of the family income.. My parents ministered in SBC churches for over 50 years. People wooed them, loved them, then proceeded to campaign against him and kick them out. They were faith filled loving, compassionate generous…with everyo e except their own children. None of us attend church. We could do no right. Two of us are sociophobic.. We were on display, always disappointing in big and small and all ways..
Leaving us un prepared in all ways. Today I came upon a small notebook, one of many, filled with outlines for a sermon I heard over the years. Filled with clippings, quotes, illustrations, jokes, he was a remarkable speaker, funny, i ntelligent, wise. My boyfriend asked how a man I felt so unloved by, 10 min. Visits brought on weeklong depressions suddenly reached hero status.. Next to the booklet of sermons that warmed my heart with pride and nostalgia was a manila envelope. I pulled it out and poured the contents out.
My elderly father who could never show his children warmth or love had yet another passion other than evangelism, apparently. He had no computer, did not mail order, so apparently the contents were worth a road trip or several. I sat on the floor, devastated, offended, once again..
Once again,feeling the need to protect, cover for, defend. He is gone. I am working myself around to forgiveness, been a long day. His weakness draws compassion and disgust, alternately. I have realized 3 things.. Moment…maybe God was not shunning and snubbing me everytime my dad his buddy did.. I definitely hear where you are coming from jean, I grew up as a PK and it was really tough.
I attended a Christian school growing up and I was always involved with church stuff. I think my parents loved me and cared for me, but I think what really hurt both of them and their relationship with their kids was that, I am convinced they had other idols in their minds that really stumped not only their family relationship, but also their ministry.
My parents did alot of good things for the church, but sometimes I think they were doing it for the wrong reasons. My dad was kind of Pharisaical, if there is such a word in the way he interacted with our family and so could my mother. I remember them being very strict with all of us kids and as I grew older and started going to public school, I really deeply felt like I could not trust them when I was going through any kind of personal stuff because I was so used to them throwing it in my face whenever I would try to approach them with some issue that I felt was important and I would usually get a condescending response in return.
I remember seeing over the years at their church where the congregation seemed like it was declining. I think there was way too heavy of an emphasis placed on entertainment service and not enough on spiritual development. My family went through some really tough times because of alot of this stuff and I feel like it could have been avoided if we fixed the heart attitudes first and then worked on the ministry and family relationships.
No one really understood what we were going through as a family, nor did we tell anyone. As a PK who had a wonderful experience growing up, and as a Pastor with two awesome kids, this subject is very important to me. My key was to enjoy being the PK. Take advantage of all the perks, and there are some! I was immensely proud of my parents and as a result I was happy to be identified with them. But we can try to limit the negatives and accent the positive! Number 6 really sticks out to me. It brings resentment in us as PKs………………why are these people doing that…smh i hate their ways.
I think the pressure is a little worse when your mother is the preacher. Every time something goes on at home, she has to link it to God or scriptures. I feel as if I can do nothing without thinking about how it would affect her and the church. Someone get me out of this nightmare! Most churches have completly lost their way in following the world with building funds and fake relationships. Sad, but God is real and if you listen and have no guile in your mouths he will grace you with his presence. As a PK, i have experienced al that in my life, the same goes for my brothers. Ministers always assume that thier children will turn out to be strong Christians and face all challanges, but sadly that's not the case, they hence leave them to wonder.
I have seen my brothers and I suffer from addictions and I am not saying this doesn't happen else where but in my family its alarming. I for one have straggled with sexual immorality ie Masturbation, Fornication, prostitutes and porn that i used to steal frm My Elder brother who later got a beautiful baby girl that we love dearly out of wedlock. Our youngest brother is straggling with Drug, Alcohol, masturbation and he is in and out of prison.
Our eldest brother committed suicide. I still love Jesus and i know al things known to man were made through him. My advice to al Ministers don't assume your children know or otherwise will follow your foot steps cause those steps are scary. Don't assume they know and follow Jesus Christ and have him in their lives.
Just know this, they are confused like every other kid, take time to teach them the word as their Dad or Mum not as a minister. My neighbour who was a PK committed suicide because of the high expectation placed on him…. Sometimes I wish it was me… I consider committing suicide just to end this… I wish I was a normal child. I ama PK, my children are Pks as well. When I grew up we were alsays in curch. It seemed every day of the week. I was never allowed to experience normal life or do anything other than go to church.
My parents were good parents but they believed my place was in the House of God. That was their way of protecting me, I guess from the ills of our day. As I grew older they relaxed a little and allowed me to be social. In my day there were a lot of house parties. The party started at and I had to ride the bus and the last bus would leave at On Mondays everybody would be talking about how I behaved at the party not knowing I was gone shortly after I arrived.
When I became a pastor I remembered that my father always took us on nice vacations. Even though we were interrupted throughout the year, we had uninterrupted vacations. I have done the same with my kids. I felt they needed to know there was a time when they were the most important people on earth. I also set aside time to focus on my wife and attend to her needs.
So when I had to be busy she knew I cared for her just like I was caring for the church. While this may seem small, I would suggest that Pastors and preachers set aside some time as often as they can to focus on their children and families. I honestly feel that if anyone mentions God, Jesus, church, or the Bible in my presence one more time I will start screaming.
I also have an ex-husband who was and is a horrific spiritual abuser. Her father-pastor, by contrast, was a loving person. Is that enough feedback for you? I just want KIND children. Many days I feel like running away as far as possible. My dad spends all day at church doing things for the kids but when he comes home he yells and sometimes pushes us around. He yelled at me for having my arms up in defense of myself also.
I went to my room and looked for bible verses to help and the verse above popped in my head. My dad came in and told me that he forgave me and loved me. That is the only time EVER that I cry; when my dad says that he loves me after doing something like that to me. I found this site while searching for verses to help but i found none that where helpful. I am having suicidal thoughts because of my parents. Parents are supposed to support their children not bring them down.
My self-esteem is extremely low because of them. Even though those things are needed they still have to emotionaly support the child. My parents do the oppisite. He is the only person that makes me feel unsafe around. I can defend my self against other people with the help of God but i feel helpless against my father.
I will extremely lightly punch the ones I love on the shoulder like men do sometimes but i am an extremly passive person. I would not know what to do if i actually needed to forcefully protect myself against my dad. I apoligize for the random and long comment but i needed to get this out of my head because i spend most of the time talking to myself and playing out scenarios in my head.
Zach, I hope you get this reply. You are going to be ok. You are not insane. You are quite simply very stressed out, and for very good reason! My dad growing up was very much like yours. I was supposed to be the perfect daughter, and he had a temper that was out of control at home. His belt flew, but he never showed his love. I could never please him. It was very confusing to me.
My dad would haul me out of the pew and take me out to the van and belt me if I spoke or giggled in the pew. This happened more Sundays than i can count. At home was more of that…and a couple of times I got smacked good in the mouth for speaking out of turn. I walked away from God and the church for many years, but all I did was hurt myself many many times in those years. Zach, always be true to who YOU are. No one can take that away from you unless you let them. I will be praying for you. You are indeed special to God.
Profiles of Faith: James - Half Brother of Jesus | United Church of God
I think He sometimes allows things to happen to us so that we can help others later along the way, and when we do we are so blessed. I am older now, in my forties. A quiet gift that God gave me that I feel very blessed to be able to use to help the hurting. God will not give up on you Zach. He has a plan for your life, just like he did mine. And He will fill your heart with joy, just stick with Him.
I grew up as a PK and my church was always a small church. It was hard for me to make friends or form relationships with people mostly because after a while you feal like if you are always walking on eggshells. My sisters where the only friends I had for a long time. As we grew older they got married and I kept waiting at my church praying that God would send the woman he has for me, since I could not leave the ministry. I am 28 years old now and I recently decided to leave the church in the hope that I can go and find my wife. I feal lost right now.
I have spent all my life at the same church with the the same people. Am I wrong? Is it wrong for me to seek a family? I know that people think that I am wrong for leaving but what else can I do keep waiting? I tried everything online daiting, single youth camps, you name it but I has not work. I want to meet people my age travel the world and hopefully find someone that I can fall in love.
We never moved and mostly people were kind—many were very, very kind. Some of the older folks could get grumpy but they were old and everything hurt.
James - Half Brother of Jesus
There were some pretty traumatic, incredibly stressful near church splits and all that. I saw it take a heavy toll on my father—lots of sleepless nights, hours and hours and hours of prayer. To this day, I find it hard to throw away a ziploc bag we washed ours and used them for years.
As a pastor now, I understand the constant pain. You never know. My advice? If God is calling you to be a pastor, do it, be ready to suffer pain you never knew existed. Have a second career in your back pocket—it will help you put your mind to rest. Protect your family—schedule one evening out of the week where you are not doing church stuff and make it a family night. I have been a PK for seven years now, and though I am slowly learning how to not let bitterness take over, and believe me, it is hard.
Seems like almost everyday somebody is at our house eating supper or counseling with my parents, and at times I get sick of it. Especially with one particular person in the church that just goes overboard, calls my parents her mom dad, etc. Meanwhile my parents just accept it. Remember 2 Corinthians ! I am a PK since I was born and I have a lot of good and bitter experiences. The saddest part is that if we misbehave, they will blame my dad. Another thing is that, they would love to give us used things or hand me down clothes. Some of them has this idea that if you are a PK you cannot afford to buy brand new things and if ever you are being blessed by God and you buy brand new things there will be humors as to how you were able to get money to buy such things.
Then one day you will hear some humors that your dad is stealing from the church treasury just to buy you anything. It is such a blessing. I feel grateful someone wrote about this topic , I am a preachers daughter. Sadly the church congregation caused so much damage looking from the outside in, that my father actually resigned and became a motorcycle preacher instead.
It was meant to be, however many things said to me still haunt me. I felt very alone and abanded while growing up. I felt like my parents cared more about the church than me. They would stop whatever they were doing to help one of their church members but they never stopped to ask how I was doing. I felt like I was unwanted. Like I was just another burden that got in the way of their ministry. I am a PK, I am only like 16, but I want to share my feelings.
My father is the head pastor. He is the senior pastor. I wish to tell him and the other ministers and leaders inside the church my problems, but when I did, when I was 11, they told my dad, and he yelled at me for feeling this way! How could he do that? I love Jesus, I really do, but once I get older I am not going to stay at the same church. My childhood is horror. I got yelled at for sleepping during service when I was 6. I told my Minister about me not likeing this certant girl, and she told my dad and he yelled at me, I hate it when Ministers say to make friends with everyone and they only talk to certant people themselves.
I also hate it when a minister talks about and lies about me behind my back. Whenever a friend comes over, I have to warn them, my dad might yell and slap me, but he is okay. And I have to warn them not to talk about guys I like, music i listen to, or things we laugh about! I hate it and want to grow up ASAP! All of the comments have been very helpful to help me raise our PKs.
We have three children and want to help them grow strong with what they were chosen to be. I am also a gay male. As you can imagine my father has nothing to do with me. He is a Free Will Baptist Minister. Back in I wrote a blog that outlined what secretly went on behind the closed doors of the Preachers House. The amount of emotional and mental abuse we took as kids was beyond what anyone can fathom. My parents hardly ever attended my school events as church events took precedence. It always had to include someone from our church tagging along.
Being constantly shoved into the spotlight and expected to perform on command makes you feel more like a trained monkey than a kid, or even a human being. People of the church have no clue the life we are expected to live. They each try to pull the pastor in their direction to further their standing in the community, and we kids are expected to tag along for the ride. I have personally struggled in my life with depression and 3 attempts at ending it.
As I read this article I felt convicted to write about my experiences in a school essay and would like too share it with other christians in to help them understand. If you get a bad grade, you hear everyone talking about it. Your life is viewed the model for everyone else to strive for, and for everyone else it has to be one hundred percent perfect.
You are the de facto leader of all of the church kids even though you find it hard to truly connect to any of them. From the moment you are born you have a job with no title, no pay, and all of the expectations. Many a PK has been broken and scarred from this life. Not many other children can understand how one of your parents has a masters degree, works seventy to eighty hours a week in a good week , and comes home drained emotionally, but still struggles to survive off of his paycheck. The job where there is no scheduled vacation, and where you are on call twenty-four hours of the day, seven days a week, days a year.
How many other professions have that kind of emotional stress? Not all aspects of being the son of a pastor are terrible. Being in the fishbowl taught me important values of leadership and responsibility. Moving from city to city, and school to school developed my social skills. I even picked up a couple of instruments on the way. Who turns on the air conditioning, unlocks the doors, takes out the trash, vacuums, and sweeps? Arguably some of the most important people in the church and do you even know their names In all aspects of my life I try to strive for perfection.
My parents were at our church ministry for 23 years, almost 10 of them he was senior pastor, 6yrs he was the assistant pastors but basically the pastor before that he was a young intern who basically ran the church since my dad was 20 he was in charge. When he was 13 his dad was disabled and he became the man of the house and got jobs after school earning money so they could have food.
He was the soul provider for his large family at My father is my hero. This is to give you insight of how great of a man he is. Street smart? You bet! He does the best he can in any situation, and honestly on his worst days he handles everything better then most people do on their best days. Our former church had a lot of issues and my parents and my siblings and myself included worked tirelessly to make it the best it could be! We gave up many birthdays, games, weddings, school ceremonies, anniversaries, vacations and holidays.
We brought the church from a dirt parking lot to a paved parking lot with lights and ramps for the handicapped, we brought security cameras and other measures to church to make people feel safe. The church went from 30 to My parents never complained, they loved that life and so did we. In the beginning the church staff and deacons defended my dad when people physically tired to harm him or us his children we were surrounded by loyal people who loved us and who we loved. My father fought to get the church out of debt and did, because of that we built a family life center.
A place to have church dinners inside, rather than outside. Then one day a former pastor came to our church and said he and his wife knew that because he was a former pastor most likely they would not be welcomed by other pastors at any other church, so my father prayed about it and felt that it would be fine for them to attend the church. Over the next 4 years our family grew very close, things seemed better then ever. But by the time we found out it was too late. He used personal family issues we were going through and made them public and awhole lot worse.
He did things to hurt the church, he did things to hurt me and my siblings. He did his best to break up my parents marriage. Along the way the head deacon and this man were best friends and supposedly the head deacon knew nothing about all of this. Not to mention the head deacon was a male shovenist and was mean to me my siblings and my mom, but we had no other choice for a head deacon.
This former pastor tried to get my dad fired from a part time job he had helping the community. It was a 2 year process of one horrible thing after another, of people betraying us and attacking us publicly and privately. The worst part was people believe these lies, if you knew my father you knew there was no way any of those things could be true.
My father is not perfect, but there was no way he would do anything to hurt the church.
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